Apologies
by Kat Uzu
Summary: This a sad one-shot dedicated to my Best Friend Camellia. Mikan can't save Natsume after the battle between the Elementary President and Mikan and Co. This is what Mikan does afterward and all of her painful emotions. Mikan spoke through me as I was writing this to help me through my pain. I hope I can help others get through their inner turmoil as well.


Hello. This is Kat Uzu with a new one-shot. Today is a very sad day for me and I ask you please don't review for this one. I beg you not to. Just please listen to this as you read and I'm sorry if I upset you. I just needed to write this. Go to YouTube if you can and play Sad Violin 10 hours. The back drop should look like space.

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Apologies

I sat motionless, clutching his blood-stained blazer. He was cold, too cold. Something was running around me; their voices were blurred together and dull. My comrades' blood was smeared and caked on and in my hair, skin, and clothes. I wasn't focused enough to notice this though. The multiple cuts and scrapes I had were numb. Crimson liquid leaked out of my lips and clenched fists that were wrapped up in his shirt. I was kneeling over his still form; blood slipped out of the scrapes on my knees. Something salty and wet slipped down my cheeks and off my chin, only to fall and be absorbed into his blood caked shirt. However, unlike me, the blood was his. I made no noise… no movement… I barely breathed. My mind was totally blank, and I was dangling in between awake and unconscious. A sort of limbo I guess. I didn't blink; I _couldn't _blink. I was frozen in time like a faulty hourglass. I clutched his stiff shirt tighter causing me to dig my uneven nails further into my damp palms. I felt weak; I could barely move. My whole body screamed for me to sleep, but I could not leave him alone. Trembling, I sunk my face into his slick raven locks. I closed my eyes and immediately flashed into a memory of his soft, pleading crimson eyes that changed to relief when he saw me. He then closed his unfocused eyes. They didn't open again. I clamped my lids tighter together in hope of burying the mental and emotional pain. His still wet blood soaked into my white dress shirt, dyeing it red.

By now, I was conscious enough to register sobbing people around me trying to comfort me despite their own pain. The corridor echoed their cries, amplifying it. Tears streamed down my red cheeks as I remembered his warm lips on mine two White Christmases in a row.

I lean up and silently stare at his pale face. Another memory takes over my vision. _Natsume and I were sitting in front of a lake and staring at the moon's reflection. He leans over and takes one of my silky pigtails into his big hands and says, "Polka, you know… I think you would look better with your hair down." _I reached up with one hand and untied the ribbons from my auburn locks. The blood caked strands cascaded down my hunched back in thick clumps. Everyone was silent around me and watching me with keen eyes, but I didn't notice. Setting the ribbons in my lap, I reach with both hands and trace every line on his frozen face. Shifting my place I sat his head in my lap and began to remove all the knots in his hair with my trembling fingers. After a few minutes, I was satisfied and laid his head back down on the hard tile. I slowly leaned down from his left side and pressed my quivering mouth to his icy lips. I sat up slightly and whispered to him, "I'm s-sorry. I'm so, s-so s-sorry."

A soft sob slipped out of my mouth. Wrapping my thin arms around his shoulders, I held him closer than ever before. Spontaneously, I threw my head back and screamed. I'm sure everyone could feel my emotions within it because when I did, even the more composed ones started to sob once more. It was filled with pain… sorrow… regret… love… hopelessness… fear… and deep self-loathing. After a long while, I ran out of breath and started to choke down moans. Ever so slowly, I laid my dead fiancé down on his back and brushed his long bangs out of his eyes.

"I'm s-so sorry, N-Nats-sum-me!" I shot up and ran. My ankle was throbbing but I ignored it and kept going. Tears blurred my vision once more. I had no idea where I was going, nor did I care. I just needed to leave, to run, to get away. I was soon lost in my memories of talking to Natsume.

"_Hey! Get off me, Pervert!"_

"_Wah! Now no one will want to marry me!"_

"_Hi, I'm Mikan! I'm your new partner. What's your name?"_

"_Please come to Central Town with me!"_

"_Can I talk to you, Natsume?"_

"_Natsume, Are you okay?!"_

"_Thank you… Natsume."_

"_Can…Can I hold your hand?"_

"_Natsume, do you want to dance with me?"_

"_Stupid." "Moron!" "Idiot." "Jerk!" "Polka." "Pervert!"_

"_Hey? If I make a good stone, I will give it to Natsume."_

"_Let me be your strength!"_

"_Happy birthday, Natsume!"_

"_It wasn't a kiss!"_

"_Natsume…"_

"_Why are you pretending to be stuck together?"_

"_I will wait for you to back, okay?"_

"_I will not let you hurt Natsume's precious people!"_

"_Thank you!"_

"_I like Natsume the most…"_

"_Let the moon be our witness."_

"_No! Don't leave me!"_

I was shaken out of my thought when I tripped over a tree root and landed at its base. After wiping my watery eyes, I looked up and gasped. I had fallen right underneath Natsume's Cherry Blossom Tree! I observed the branches a little closer, and to my sadness, there was very little pink still on the branches. Dying pink petals danced around my feet when a breeze picked up. I stood silently, searching for a single pink flower on the tree. Finally, I found one the very top branch. My tear streaked face adopted total conviction as I gingerly climbed up the old, worn trunk. I was exhausted, but I continued on. I would not lose! I reached up to grasp the flower, but when I almost had it a wind came and plucked on off the branch.

'_No!'_

In my panic to catch the pale pink flower, I had jumped after it. Thankfully, my efforts had not gone to waste. Somehow, I had caught it midair. I smiled softly and I fell back down to the cruel Earth. I had caught the last full flower off Natsume's favorite tree. I was nearing the ground rather quickly, but I didn't care. I was going to see Natsume again!

'_I'm sorry everyone. Please forgive me.'_

I closed my eyes and waited for the pain, but it never came. I was unconscious before I even hit the ground.

"No, Mikan! Don't!" but they were too late. I was already gone…

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This one-shot is dedicated to my best friend, Camellia. Camellia committed suicide on February 26, 2012, three days after her fiance's funeral. Camellia's fiance Max and his family had died in a car crash when a semi hit them on their way to the mountains for summer break. Camellia and Max were childhood friends and loved each other very much. Max proposed to Camellia on Christmas Eve and decided to wait until they were twenty to marry. Camellia and Max were only sixteen when they died.

Rest in Peace Came


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